Choices
by NikaDawson
Summary: It's the longest he's ever been without seeing Sirius, and James Potter is remembering a time that he had to choose between Lily and Sirius. Slight SBJP, JPLP


**Author's Note:**Another companion piece, this takes place after my one shot Missing, A Thin Line, and What They are, but can be read completely on it's own. It has slight slash. Also, I do not own the characters and I am just borrowing them.

"Love is not the one you can picture you are going to marry. But the one you can't live without." -Stephen Bearden

**Choices:**

It hadn't stopped raining in two days. James couldn't help but think the weather was reflecting his mood. Bleak. The only thing that had been cheering him up even a little was Harry, who could cheer up anyone. James had never thought he could love anyone more than Lily or Sirius but he had never known true unconditional love until he'd looked into Harry's trusting green eyes.

His son was the only reason he had consented to hiding under the Fidelius charm in Godric's Hollow. If James hadn't had Harry, he would have made sure Lily was safe and continued fighting, instead of stuck in the house, not even able to venture out on the lawn. Lily had been watching him in concern, they hadn't been getting along well the past few days. He knew he was being moody and irrational, but he was just so frustrated with everything.

His best friends were out there, risking their lives and what was he doing? Sitting around, like a couch potato. Peter could be being tortured right now, dying for him, and he couldn't do anything about it. The guilt he felt for placing his friends in harm's way was gnawing at him. He was only reassured that he wasn't doing this to protect himself, but to protect Lily and Harry. What worried him most though, was that he knew if Voldemort found them, it was because Sirius was dead. The maniac would work his way through all of James' known friends as soon as he learned Sirius didn't know where they were, eventually getting to Peter.

That was the thing bothering him the most. He would like nothing more than to have Sirius in hiding with him, to keep him safe and alive. He loved Remus and Peter, but he had never that the kind of bond with them that he had with Sirius. This was the longest he had ever been without him. Even when they were still teenagers, during the summer before Sirius had runaway, the two boys would sneak out at night and see each other.

"James," a soft voice broke his thoughts and he looked down to see Lily smiling at him gently.

"Baby, are you alright," she asked. James stared at his wife. She was perhaps the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and she made him happier than any other woman. The second he'd met her, he knew he wanted to marry her. He would never love another woman like he loved her.

But as happy as she made him, as much as he loved her, she didn't understand him. Not really. She tried her best, but it didn't help. She never made him laugh until his ribs felt like they were going to crack, or been able to pull him out of a depressed mood. Sirius was the one who had really gotten him through the death of his father, and later his mother. Sirius who had always been able to make him laugh even when the stress of the war and the threat against Harry's life threatened to turn him into a ball of cynical goo.

"I'll be alright love," he replied. She sighed and pulled him down for a kiss.

Pulling back she smiled, "I'm going to take a nap. If any muggle children ring the doorbell later, you know what to do right?"

James nodded, "I'll hand the little hellions candy." She giggled than squeezed his hand, leaving the room. He collapsed on the couch, gazing at his baby boy. Harry was on the floor, playing with his stuffed toys, each one representing a marauder.

"Guess it's just you and me Bambi," James said. Harry looked at him and smiled, all gums and only a few teeth.

"Dad," he cried, abandoning his toys and holding his chubby arms out. James smiled and picked him up. One of his son's hands gripped strands of his black hair. James winced when Harry tugged a little too hard but didn't put him down. He went back to the couch, reclining into the pillows.

"Dad, pafoo, miss," Harry attempted to say, holding up the stuffed black dog he had gripped in his other hand. James smiled at him sadly.

"Yeah Bambi, daddy misses Padfoot," he answered. Harry blinked, his little hand loosening around the stuffed toy, where it fell onto James' lap. His son's thumb was instantly in his mouth and he looked calmly at his father.

"Promise me something Harry. Promise me that you'll never leave your best friend to fight some war without you. Promise me you'll never abandon any of them, unless it's for your child. And if you ever have to choose between two people, do what's right," James said. Harry didn't seem to be paying attention, he'd laid his head down on his father's chest and his eyes were closed.

There had once been a time when had the option to choose between Sirius and Lily. He had always bounced doubts around his head if he had made the right decision to marry Lily. There had been one time that he'd had to choose between Sirius and Lily. It hadn't been easy, it had been one of the hardest decisions he had ever had to make. Looking at Harry, he knew he would make the same decision.

_Flashback:_

"_Padfoot. Padfoot. Bloody hell. Get back here," James screamed at Sirius' retreating back. He sprinted to catch up. Placing his hand on his best friend's shoulder, he turned him abruptly around, preventing him from going anywhere else. _

"_Prongs, lay off it and let me go," Sirius all but growled, sounding like the dog he turned into. _

"_No, okay. What the hell is your problem Sirius. You've been acting like a git all week and now you're storming out on me on my wedding day," James snapped back. He ran his free hand through his hair in agitation. _

"_I've been acting like a git," Sirius angrily repeated, gray eyes flashing. _

"_Yes, you have. It's my wedding day Siri, aren't you suppose to be happy for me," he cried. _

"_Happy. Are you blind? You say I'm the one that's been acting like a git, but you've become oblivious to everyone around you," Sirius yelled, pulling away from James and starting to pace. _

"_What," James asked confused. He watched his best friend warily. _

"_You expect me to be happy for you when you're getting married. I can't be happy about that," Sirius screamed. _

_James felt like pulling out his hair. Pissed he asked, "And why can't you?" _

_Rough, insistent lips were pressed against his own suddenly, hands gripping the back of his head tightly. The lips pulled away before he could even process what had just happened. His hand came up unconsciously to touch his lips after Sirius moved away. _

"_Sirius, what…" he mumbled to the suddenly vulnerable looking man. Sirius sighed. _

"_That's why. James, I love you. And not in the same brotherly way Remus and Peter do," he muttered, his eyes tearing up. _

_James stared at Sirius in shock. He'd never imagined anything like this was bothering him. The weight of Sirius' confession settled in his stomach and he struggled to think of something, anything to say. _

"_Don't hate me," Sirius begged, looking desperately at him. _

"_I could never hate you," James said, "I love you. But…I love Lily." James voice broke at the heart wrenching look on Sirius' face. He didn't know what to do. Sirius had always possibly meant more to him than anyone, but, never had he imagined Sirius could be in love with him. It floored him. _

"_Sirius, I can't, I love Lily," he said, trying to make sense of his confused emotions, "But I could never, would never, want to live without you. How…how long…" he stumbled. Sirius sighed, sitting down on the grass. James stood awkwardly for a second, before flopping down next to him. _

"_How long have I been in love with you," he finished for James. The messy haired brunette stared at him. _

"_Yeah," he replied. _

"_I don't know. Forever," he shrugged, head in his hands. _

"_I…," James just barely managed to mumble. _

"_I know," Sirius said. He suddenly seemed to be a lot more confident, looked more sure of himself that James was sure he did right now. Sirius pushed himself up off the ground. _

"_Come on. We don't want to keep Lily waiting. I'm sure she looks beautiful." James looked at him confused, wondering what had made Sirius change his mind. _

"_Just because you know now, I guess I shouldn't expect you to turn your whole life upside down. You love Lily, I know that. And she loves you to," Sirius said, his hand held out to help James up. He grabbed the hand, getting up off the dirt. Sirius seemed to hold on for a few seconds, but maybe it was just James imagination. When he pulled away, James tried not to focus on why his hand felt emptier than it ever had. _

"_Let's go get you married," Sirius said. He started back and James stared at his retreating back once again, wondering if he'd made the right choice. _

James ran his hand over Harry's back soothingly, smiling at his son. The weight of Sirius confession had always haunted him, but never had it affected the way they acted around each other. Sirius had never brought it up again, and James didn't want to talk about it unless he did.

One of his finger's ran over his lips again, remembering the kiss. It had only been a few seconds, but no kiss from his wife had ever felt as right. James looked out the window, wondering just where Sirius was at the moment.

He pulled himself up off the couch, careful not to disturb Harry. Going up the stairs and then into Harry's room, he placed the sleeping baby gently into the crib, careful not to wake him up. Slipping into his own room, he pulled off his boots. Laying down on the bed he pulled Lily closer to him, sighing into her hair.


End file.
